the baggy trousered misanthropist

missives issued from the lair

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The skill comes in balancing that fine line between ‘visually’ and ‘literally’ arresting. Images via huffpost.co.uk.

Despite my best efforts, I’m sad to report that no invite to the Adult Video News Awards was forthcoming this year.

Readers, I’m crushed. The hours I’ve spent bitching about them – the nature of their profession, their very existence, the effect their output has on the youth and popular culture of today – the least I expected was a spam email advising me that the reason I’m so angry is because I suffer from erectile dysfunction which can be easily solved with medication purchased from a web vendor based in Iran.

But no. Nothing.

Still, there’s always next year. You’ll be thrilled to hear that my enthusiasm for the event remains unaffected by this terrible slight, and as soon as photos began to emerge of the festivities, I began to study them with a view to learning what constitutes the perfect outfit for a porn party. Just in case.

If you too are have been waiting in vain for a glittery, manhandled and slightly sweaty envelope to drop onto your doormat (not a euphemism, as a far as I’m aware), here are my findings.

Boobs. Obviously.

a top from which your boobs are in a state of perpetual peril

Porn would not exist without boobs. Big boobs, small boobs, real boobs, inflatable boobs – they come in all shapes and sizes and you’d be a fool and a Frigidaire not to wear yours like a big ole hat at this, the ultimate in audition processes. The more precariously balanced your bosoms, the more likely you are to be selected for future art projects. How do you think the stars of Nice Shoes, Wanna F**k? and Buttwoman II: Behind Bars got their first break

Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

Comfortable Knickers

awkward knickers

That awkward moment when you’re posing for a photo at the porn awards…

Strips Of Rubber

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To the untrained eye, this might appear to be a trollopy attempt to expose as much flesh as physically possible without actually being naked – something you could be forgiven for thinking, given the circumstances. But this assumption would be erroneous and extremely insulting to the artist involved.

Anyone with any experience in working with rubber will tell you she will have spent at least thirty-six hours, several kilos of talcum powder and 6000 calories trying to squeeze into this outfit.

Only she will ever know whether it was worth it.

The Death Stare

a death stare

Like the Death Star, but infinitely more capable of planetary destruction. Essential.

A Bearded Man in Golden Boots, Camo Shorts, Trapper Hat, Green & Gold Goggles & A Portal Into Another Dimension Around His Neck.

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Nope. I have nothing. Sorry. No, wait… is it 42?

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