I can proudly say that I have not watched a single episode of this year’s X-Factor. Not even the auditions, which for me lost their cushion-chewing credibility when a crowd was introduced to the proceedings and the Cowell malevolence was forced to tone down a notch.

Since he took his caustic tongue to America, there seemed little point in continuing to donate several hours of my weekend to his cause. But is my life better for it?

I decided to check in on Saturday night to find out.

The fact that I lasted a mere four minutes before being forced to turn off or deprive myself of aural functionality by stabbing myself in the ears with a tuning fork, was, surprisingly not due to the singing. Even though the first thing I heard was resident ‘rocker’ Frankie Cocozza’s version of ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’. I just assumed that the song choice was some kind of amusing riposte to tabloid calls for the teenager from Lahn-dan to be booted from the show for crimes against hair and tried not to let the trauma get to me.

I hated ‘One Direction’ last year, and see no reason why I should like them now they have been recycled and snuck back onto the show as one massive, unconvincing rock hairdo (left).

Then Misha B appeared. If you think that Frankie Cocozza’s coiff is unsuitable for a pre-watershed audience, feel free to step back in amazement when you clap eyes on Misha B’s woollen horn (top, 1:54). I know it’s Halloween and everything, and the theme of the show was supposed to be horror, but really? Whose idea was that? The same stylists who are responsible for Simon Cowell’s underarm trouser unpleasantness?

Like I said before, people. No good can come from a culture where this kind of thing passes as family entertainment. Imagine if I’d been watching in 3D.