The Viewer: Celebrity Big Brother

Sam Brick. Not as comfortable with pretty princess tag as you might think. Image via unrealitytv.

Her work with the Geordie Shore crew has transformed The Viewer into an overnight sensation, but as she is rapidly discovering, fame comes with it’s own price tag.

Only last week she had a panic attack after realising that her new status as the darling of the sarcastic circuit had elevated her to the very furrow of fame Channel 5 ploughs when it needs Celebrity Big Brother contestants. Fortunately for all concerned, The Viewer has not been selected for this series of CBB, but it’s only a matter of time before you, your friends and/or your family pet are forcibly ejected from your homes and into a plywood shed in Elstree for three weeks to talk endlessly about your insignificant achievements until the world wants to waterboard you.

Having watched the opening exchanges, The Viewer would now like to offer you a few words of advice, should that terrifying series of events come to pass.

Don’t be embarrassed when no one recognises you. It’s not a contest. Oh… wait. 

Fame is so fleeting with her favours these days, isn’t she? But don’t be downhearted when the cardboard doors judder closed behind you and you turn to face a crowd of welcoming (but slightly panicked) faces. Rule of thumb, if your fellow contestants are old enough to have been in a soap opera for 25 years, chances are they no longer care what you think of them and will be fun to get to know. Anyone young enough to think that appearing in Jersey Shore or a Channel 4 documentary entitled ‘Sex, Lies & Rinsing Guys‘ was a good idea will be too narcissistic to realise other people actually have feelings, let alone careers.

Just go with it. Ashley McKenzie has. He’s just competed for Team GB in London 2012. Despite the fact that the whole country (apart from the Daily Mail) has been infected with the happy virus since the Olympics, not a single, solitary person knew who he was. Poor sod.

There is always a breakdown waiting to happen in Celebrity Big Brother. Remain alert. How do you know it’s not you?

No, honestly. Before she went in there was no sign of lunacy. Image via dailymirror.

The celebrity breakdown in a staple of any CBB classic series. In years past, luminaries like Les Dennis, Vanessa Feltz and Leo Sayer have thrown wobblies over matters as varied and insignificant as clean underpants, shopping lists and their marriage breaking down in public. It’s never pretty, but often very funny, if you don’t mind laughing at other people’s misfortune. If you do, why are you still reading this?

This year’s candidate for enforced quiet time is Jasmine Lennard, who apparently used to have a relationship with music impresario Simon Cowell, although the level of input he had into her case of the wild eyed crazies and the resulting tattoos is not yet clear. In less than a week, Jasmine has accused Danica of being a prostitute, lunged at Rhian with a view to a physical altercation and had two teary breakdowns while being stroked by Julie Goodyear. Last night, the word is they were so ‘worried’ abot her erratic behaviour, the other housemates hid the knives. As yet, Julie’s level of involvement is unclear, but she used to work at the Rovers Return, so she’ll be used to all this.

People aren’t always as you might expect. Keep a tight hold on your preconceptions, or you will end up looking like more of a tit than they do. Ahem. 

Not The Situation. He wears a baseball cap at a series of innovative angles, lifts his vest to reveal his abs in a Pavlovian response to the proximity of pretty girls and goes all weird when Julian Clary talks to him. He’s exactly as you might imagine him to be.

Samantha Brick? Not so much. The Viewer was outraged at Sam’s Daily Mail’s feminist baiting and literally frothing when she found out that she was to be entering the house. And she wasn’t the only one. The scene was set for a humongous ego to land in the living room and pitch battles to break out in the newspapers over who could most eloquently yank Sam off her homemade and slightly rickety pedestal.

Unfortunately for all those people, but especially The Viewer and her special brand of ire, Sam Brick has been variously described by fellow housemates as lovely and kind and has had the courtesy to be hideously embarrassed every time her articles have been mentioned.  Her main contribution to the ‘Flirting With Prince Lorenzo To Win A Prize’ task was some light housework. She was mortified when she won it and kept trying to sneak off the throne she was forced to sit on to hide in the shrubbery.

Don’t feel too sorry for Sammy though. Once she’s back in France, channeling some terrible 18th Century misogynist lothario through her typewriter, we can get back to hating her. The Big Brother experience, via that particular filter will be quite something. The Viewer is quite excited.

Cheryl Fergison & Prince Lorenzo. Hot n’ heavy? Image via digitalspy

And with that we must draw a line under it. If Jasmine does stab someone, Martin gets everyone singing ‘True’ or Cheryl from Eastenders gets hot n’heavy with Prince Lorenzo, The Viewer might be invited back to report on the drama. Otherwise, she’ll be watching Willo The Wisp while strapped to her bed.

It’s better that way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s