Science Update: Media Causes Cancer

Goat. Will almost certainly give you cancer. Image via

Cancer fatigue is a recently identified condition on the rise among the population of the UK.

Origins: Realisation by UK news media in the early 90s’s that exploitation of moral panic resulting from a single event frightens people and compels them to buy newspapers to educate & therefore protect themselves. Cancer quickly identified as a ‘fear’ hot button by media and the search begins for every piece of published scientific research that can be worked into a story about cancer, irrespective of reliability.

Causes: Identification of everyday foodstuffs, recreational drugs, social networking sites and basically any animate or inanimate object in the known universe as a potential cause of cancer.

Symptoms: Paranoia. Cyberchondria. Substance abuse, depression. All of which result in higher stress levels, which according to reports, are scientifically proven to cause cancer.

Complications: Relevant information pertaining to cancer becomes lost among the hundreds of thousands of articles about how exposure to doughnuts, toilet paper and goats can potentially cause cancer.

Treatment: Avoid exposure to the internet and all news media outlets for ever.

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