the baggy trousered misanthropist

missives issued from the lair

Image: Gf/Bauer Griffin.

Should the French edition of Closer have published topless photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge taken when she was on a private holiday with her husband?

This is the question being pondered by virtually every news outlet in lieu of publishing said photos on or in their own website or newspaper. It’s a tactic that is increasingly used by the media to distract the public from the uncomfortable questions we really should be asking in these situations, and it shocks me that so many bright, supposedly intelligent people buy into it. Apparently, it’s now more important to have your voice heard than to say anything remotely sensible or constructive. And who is going to engage with a media source that makes you question your own motives and decisions when there are so many more out there literally begging you to pass judgement on others?

This truth is, this is not about boobs. It’s not really even about privacy, although when you are typing “Kate boobs” into google, you might want to stop and think about how you’d feel if some bored loser was typing your wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter or friend’s name into google with the same disinterest.

The question the media would be asking if it were honest and not totally driven by audience figures, would be “Why do you, yes, YOU, want to look at a photograph of a 30-year-old woman’s breasts?” It’s a simple enough enquiry, and not entirely dissimilar to the question being asked by the press right now, but the emphasis is on you, the judgements are on you, not other people. Suddenly, the power has shifted away.

They might be Royal boobs, but the sad, disappointing truth is, they’re still boobs. And if you’re jonesing for a glimpse of a pair of tits in this day and age, it’s time for that conversation with your Mum & Dad about removing those parental filters which are clearly inhibiting your access to the internet. If they don’t think you’re emotionally mature enough for that, simply visit your local newsagent, where you can find thousands of images of young women simply desperate to give you a full tour of their wares.

If you’ve been able to visit the bathroom alone and conduct your own internet searches for a while now, there must be another reason. And the only possible reason for wanting to look at those particular breasts is because she didn’t offer them to you willingly. They were taken. To you, those photos are probably nothing more than something you glanced at as you surfed your way on through to that hilarious cat video. To Kate Middleton, the knowledge that the intimate details of her body are now out there for everyone to examine, stare at and pass judgement on probably feels more like assault.

Wow. I really know how to piss on a bonfire don’t I? Talk about overreacting. Speaking of which, let’s hope that William doesn’t do the same when he learns that Italian rag Chi is planning to publish a 26 page photo spread of images taken on the same holiday. They were the guys that published images of his mother as she was dying in a car crash.

Nice.

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