the baggy trousered misanthropist

missives issued from the lair

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Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift have fallen out on Twitter.

I know. I’m bringing it up and even I can’t be arsed with the details of an event with a cultural half-life of twenty-six seconds, but feel free to immerse yourself here.

The details aren’t particularly pertinent but I’m sure you’ll know someone you can impress with the resulting insight.

LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 20:  Singer Nicki Minaj (R) accepts Rap/Hip-Hop Favorite Album award from singer Taylor Swift onstage at the 2011 American Music Awards held at Nokia Theatre L.A. LIVE on November 20, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

To be clear, my issue is not with either woman, the validity of her viewpoint, whether Kim Kardashian’s tweet was a satirical dig at Swift (although I’m guessing not) or even bias on the basis of race or body image. If it was, I hope I’d have got off my arse and written about it before literally everyone else in the world chucked in their two penneth.

Including ‘journalist and broadcaster’ Piers Morgan.

Now I understand that along with Samantha Brick, Katie Hopkins and around 93% of Daily Mail writers, Morgan has found his niche in digital media’s clickbait revolution.

That technological innovation and human evolution have conspired to create a medium ideally suited to Morgan’s brand of pantomime spite. That he and his ilk will, for the correct fee, dredge up and pen nasty, small minded, provocative prose on any subject, certain that hundreds of thousands of us will click on it and read it, even if we do get distracted by the Sidebar of Shame three paragraphs in.

I don’t really have a problem with it. If the neural pathway between your index finger and your brain can’t resist a twitch at the thought of the sticky, alluring sugar high that comes with having your basest, most reactionary muscles massaged, you deserve to read shit.

You’re probably buying the stuff they get paid to advertise around it.

My issue is rather more the fact that, as the author of ten books and former editor of two national newspapers, Morgan has typed out his latest missive for the Daily Bastard Mail, sat back in his ergonomic office chair and read it back, without noticing that Nicki Minaj dissing him backstage is not a viable entry point into this debate or reason to pass judgement on the relative merits of each argument.

It’s certainly isn’t qualification for him to refer to Minaj’s inferences to “racism and big bodyism” as “frankly laughable”.

I can’t believe he thought it could be.

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Seriously, if you’re going to do this stuff, Piers, have the balls to say what you really think instead of chucking these measly, bile soaked morsels in our general direction. Say you can’t stand fat women, or black women, or women in general if it comes to that. Tell us honestly that even though you do your best in public, you feel like we should all stay in the kitchen where we belong.

What? You can’t because you don’t really feel that way?

No. To be fair to you (and you have no idea how much it annoys me to say that) I don’t think you do feel any of those things particularly.

You’re just pissed because Nicki Minaj embarrassed you in front of your sons, like any human being would be, and you’ve patiently waited to take advantage of an opportunity to have a sly dig back at her.

Honestly? I don’t expect you to care what I, or any of the other people criticising you for your article, think. But you care about what your kids think. And you’re not being the father they deserve if you keep behaving like this.

Man up. For their sake, if not ours.

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