Heaven Is A Handheld

We’re having a conversation about sex at the moment. Not so much the great British tradition of ‘who’s doing it to who’ (although that continues unabated) but more how people arrive at the point of ‘doing it’ and others asserting their right to be in that conversation.

I could tell you all about it here, but Rachel Parris did such a good job on The Mash Report a few weeks ago, I’ll just leave it to her.

While that’s a fairly comprehensive explainer, it’s my understanding that some people are still confused and fearful they may never have sex again because #MeToo. This is a huge concern, not only for those people’s feelings – which we’re learning are very, very important – but for the continuation of the human race as a whole.

In our binary world, you’re either with those people or against them. As a feminist snowflake liberal, my remit is to cleverly deconstruct their dumbass arguments with witty, informed and/or withering 280 character epithets but in the spirit of getting really bored with prescribed roles, I’ve decided to break the fourth wall to help them out.

So, if you’ve got a penis and you’re scared you’re not going to be allowed to insert in anything for a long time because you might accidentally rape someone, help is at hand. Or rather, handheld vaginas are at hand.

I’ll ease you in gently.

This, my children, is the Utimi Rugby Male Masturbation Cup. According to the listing, it’s “inspired by the form of Rugby, [and this] incredible masturbation cup allows you to keep up with the pace of the lust and create the unique pleasure with Squeeze uncontrollable.”

The important thing here is not to concentrate on the inspiration (unless testosterone filled dressing rooms filled with hairy blokes and the smell of Deep Heat does it for you) but on what this means. Buy one of these for £29.99, bit of lube, and you need never have to speak to a woman again. Never again will your sexual urges overpower your reason and empathy, you can simply get home from work, pop into bed, stick the tellies on and “feel like you are having sex with a Virgin” every time.

Are you a bit too sexually sophisticated for that? Fear not, for this is huge market with everyone’s needs catered for. I honestly don’t know why men bother risking everything to pat a woman’s bottom when stuff like this exists.

This alarming looking item is called Realistic Masturbation Vibrator Vagina And Twisted Tongue And Oral Aircraft Men’s Cup Sex Toys – Electric Voice-USB Charging with Headphones, but if you’ve already worked out what planes have to do with it, why you need headphones and are adding it to your basket already, apply caution. 

Reviewers state that not only does it come with very few instructions, which I understand might present another level of confusion to the unguarded inserter, but it’s also a bit snug. 

All I’m saying is be careful. You don’t want to become the #MeToo icon for masturbating so much your penis comes off.  That’s what the feminists want. 

For Christ’s sake be careful, Euan.

Let’s not be under any illusion. This isn’t an entirely pain free alternative to women. Handheld vaginas are fraught with implied peril too and it always pays to read the comments before clicking that ‘Buy It Now’ button and placing yourself on the road to involuntary violent penis removal.

This reviewer subtly warns against using handheld vaginas on public transport, libraries and museums by drawing attention to the what we shall call the ‘propulsion problem’. It seems you can’t even have a quiet wank into a rugby ball without assaulting someone these days.

But let not these minor issues distract you from what might be a historic breakthrough for our species. Concentrate on the positives, which in Amazon’s case is offering their consumer base an array of penis repositories.


Say you’re the type of person who needs both hands free during sexy time. Order this Multi-Speed Male Massager Cup Male Toy today, attach to a ‘wall, floor, desk or any smooth flat surface‘ and do your thing. 

The imagination runs wild, sees too much and then runs home to hide under the duvet.

Nothing here to your taste? What about the ‘knobbed lust tunnel’ of the Diana model? Or the wildly disturbing AK Male Masturbation Device Entity Non-Inflatable Yin Inverted Buttocks Big Butt Real Human Vagina Buttocks which arrive covered by a modest flesh coloured tutu for reasons I will not think about. 

The other thing about using these alternatives is they provide a healthy diagnostic as to whether your sexual proclivities are socially acceptable, without you having to go to the trouble of forcing someone into a shame spiral.

Why would you need a real woman when you can get everything you need from the ‘Jesus Fucking Christ, you actually find that arousing?’ range of manual massage tools?

Why, I ask you. WHY??


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