Magforce 300000V Electrical Stun Baton, sir? Image via firearmblog.

As usual when I woke up the this morning, the gallons of cranial fluid occupying the space where my brain should be sloshed over the first available distraction; a news story about two companies being chucked out of the DSEI (Defence & Security Equipment International) 2013 event for “promoting illegal weapons & torture equipment“.

According to the Green Party MP Caroline Lucas, Magforce International and Tianjin Myway were peddling “handheld projectile electric shock weapons, weighted leg cuffs and stun batons” among their other wares, which apparently contravene some complicated by-law that waves stuff like massive guns and RPGs right on through.

I went about my morning routine as usual, but by the time I’d arrived at work, the co-conspirators of a trusting/totally disinterested boss, an intermittent BT internet connection and unnerving curiosity had convinced me that there was no alternative but to spend the morning surfing the tubes and troughs of the defence industry and the enterprises that survive on its filthy, polluted run-off, to see what was actually available to a discerning lunatic with access to a credit card.

Like me.

Weighted Chinese leg irons. According to the website blurb, these are “extraordinary high security leg irons [ ] made for the Chinese government and currently in actual use in China (sic)“. Normally you’d be able to purchase these beauties for just $63.99 from handcuffwarehouse.com, but, rather worryingly, they’re out of stock.

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For the more discerning nutbag, there’s the gold plated Heckler & Koch.

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Or perhaps the tactical F2000 assault rifle? Optional grenade launcher available on request.

ADC 3695 Wartenburg Pinwheel, Stainless Steel, Adult. The kid’s one is almost certainly just smaller.

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I could go on, but am becoming increasingly agitated about how many alerts I might be setting off at the NSA. Suffice to say, I saw enough to realise there’s sufficient deadly weaponry and stainless steel torture equipment available to decimate the population within seconds if your local psychopath was of a mind, and they haven’t been yet.

Trouble is, if the Amazon.com review section is any evidence, that’s because it’s all being snapped up by the sexually unhinged.

Jesus. I’m going back to bed.

Images via caat.org.uk, amazon.com, foxnews.