Category: Music

Lady Gaga & The Furry Flip Flop Of Doom

Posted on by Kelly Welles

That’s a real dog. Not a handbag. Although at this point, it would pay to be cautious. Image via tumblr.

Anti-fur campaigner Lady Gaga:

 I really loved that one in particular because I thought it was a commentary on not wearing fur, ’cause I hate fur and I don’t wear fur.

November 27, 2009

PETA baiter Lady Gaga:

For those press and such who are writing about whether or not my fur is actually real, please don’t forget to credit the designer HERMES. Thank You!

August 13, 2012

Make up your mind, luv. Inconsistency is where it all went wrong for Madonna, y’know.

Simon Cowell: He’s Coming For Your Children

Posted on by Kelly Welles

If you let me have Sean, I’ll resurrect your career. Image: AP Photo/Evan Agostini.

If you thought you could avoid the pernicous reach of Simon Cowell by simply refusing to watch the X-Factor, read about it and most importantly, buying any of the resulting musical excretions, you were wrong.

It would be lovely to have faith in the great British public and say it’s a coincidence that the Cowell’s favoured spawn over the last couple of years, Harry Styles of One Direction and Amelia Lily (of, well, Mr & Mrs Lily, presumably) had absolutely nothing to do with the news this morning that Harry & Amelia were the most popular baby names of 2011.

But given that Styles and his band of fluffy haired foetuses have enjoyed terrifying chart success in the last twelve months and Lily is on her way, having just signed a £500,000 three album deal with a Sony subsidiary, it’s almost certainly true.

Shall we just get it out of the way now and each of us offer Cowell our firstborn? You know it won’t be long.

Reasons To Be Cheerful, Vol I: The Misanthropist Strains For A Smile

Posted on by Kelly Welles


Britain. We’re Great, we are. Image: Alexander Hassenstein/Getty Images.

In a departure from the usual cynicism and snark you come here to enjoy, I would like to present a list of things that have given me cheer in the last week or so. This is no way indicative of a change in direction for the site, it’s more of an experiment –  the ‘Vol 1’ of the title is rather more in hope than expectation, as it’s entirely more satisfying to be sarcastic about events than to try to find a positive.

See point 1 for more details.

Continue reading “Reasons To Be Cheerful, Vol I: The Misanthropist Strains For A Smile” →

Madonna: Another One Bites The Dust

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Bang Bang… my idol shot me down. Image: AP Photo / Sean Dempsey.

Dear Madonna,

It is my sad duty to inform you that, after careful consideration, your role as my idol has become redundant.

I realise this may come as a shock to you given the length of your tenure in my life (or even more likely, you won’t give a crap because financially, it’s still a winner) , but in truth, your position has been has been under threat for some time.

Indeed, I began to suspect you weren’t the female influence I was hoping for when I got old enough to realise that getting my boobs out and pretending to be sexually available for every moment of my waking life did not encourage people to take me seriously.

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Gene Simmons: No “Fake Bullshit”? Seriously?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Yes, and presumably that’s all your own hair too, Gene. Image via thegrio.com.

And the ‘Keepin’ It Real in Rock Award’ goes to Gene Simmons of Kiss, who has emerged from behind the clown make-up, disturbing tongue calisthenics and spangly costumes that defined his career, to slag off Rihanna for “being fake” and “using karaoke machines“ in her performances.

What’s the matter, Gene? You not liking this new fangled equality business, or sumthin’?

Houston? By God, Do We Have A Problem

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images.

Black-Scholes. Not as you might first think, a hideous pox that caused peoples faces to peel off in the 16th Century, or even a descriptor for the bruising suffered after a (rubbish) tackle from a notorious Manchester United midfielder, but according to mathematician Ian Stewart, one of the possible reasons for the global financial meltdown we are currently experiencing.

I’m not going to even attempt to explain what the damn thing means – Ian can do that – but upon reading his article on Sunday morning in a semi-conscious fugue, I found myself making parallels between that and the death of Whitney Houston.

I know. Saturday night was a hell of a night.

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Lana Del Ray: She Might Be ‘Born To Die’, But Music Journos Should Get A Life

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: LIONEL BONAVENTURE/AFP/Getty Images.

All music commentators moaning about Lana Del Rey, I would ask you this.

You ‘proper’ music journalists are always wittering about manufactured acts clogging the charts, the evils of Simon Cowell and the lack of credibility in today’s current climate. I always assumed that this was because you believed that music should be judged on it’s own merits, regardless of the artist’s appearance, story and apparent authenticity.

Which is perfectly fine. But by the same token, don’t criticise Del Rey’s record because you’re embarrassed that the ‘gangsta Nancy Sinatra’ hype you all bought into was crushed by her uninspiring performance on Saturday Night Live. You can’t have it both ways. It makes you look dumb.

Especially when the record you’re slating is pretty good.

Justin Bieber: A User’s Guide

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

Masterful puppetry from behind the scenes plus an unhealthy preoccupation with the crotch from fans who insist its all about the music?

In other words, Justin Bieber’s career to date.

Andrew Stone: Scientific Genius Or Massive Burk?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Andrew Stone. Bringing a whole new meaning to the term ‘virtual reality’. Image: Tim Whitby/Getty Images.

For people of a certain age, the sight of a hapless individual wrestling with a ludicrously unwieldy plastic prototype of a future piece of ‘everyday’ technology was staple of Thursday evening  TV.

The BBC’s flagship science show ‘Tomorrow’s World’ spent almost forty years predicting the advent of the mobile phone, the home computer, astro turf and many other things we can’t live without now, although at the time, I seem to recall spending most of the show hoping someone would set themselves on fire while testing a flame retardant suit.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

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