And We’re Back: British Post-Olympic Optimism Pierced By Prince Harry’s Penis

Penis not shown. But then, it doesn’t really need to be. Image: Lma/Bauer Griffin.

Being a cynic of some repute, I had a feeling that this brave new world of post-Olympic British optimism wouldn’t last. The feelings of togetherness and joy we experienced as a nation – borne from the realisation that we were capable of doing something on the global stage without making complete tits of ourselves – were only ever a veneer, an unexpected heat wave in our perpetual winter of self-loathing and narcissism. We were still there. Just waiting. Just breathing.

Little did we know that last Friday night, while we were still exploring the well-lit alleys and sunny streets of ‘optimistic’, events were afoot that would break that heatwave and douse us once again in the familiar chill of the endless bloody rain.

Royalty. Nudity. Naked Girls. Camera Phones. Drinking. It’s like a perfect storm of British scandal.

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Olympic Observations: Oversights & Lessons Learned

Iran’s Ghasem Rezaei (r) and his trainer do what comes naturally. Image: Mike Hewitt/Getty Images.

Just bask for a moment in the sheer unadulterated joy of two men so overwhelmed with emotion after one of them wins the Greco-Roman wrestling heavyweight gold that they kiss.

And then hope miscellaneous idiots from across the globe don’t get the wrong idea and run with it.

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Samantha Brick: A New Appointment?

Jessica Ennis. Unfeasibly massive. Image: Ian Walton/Getty Images Europe.

A ‘high ranking person’ at UK Athletics has reportedly stated that heptathlete and Olympic poster girl Jessica Ennis is carrying “too much weight“.

We’ve seen this defiance in the face of logic and sense (not to mention reality bending myopia) before, people. The only conclusion one can draw is that Samantha Brick’s work as a feminist cheerleader has attracted the attention of UK Athletics and they have appointed her Olympic Fat Tsar.

They must have. No sensible person would say such a thing about a young woman who is, without doubt, one of the most positive role models this country has ever produced. That would be really, really dumb. And dangerous.

Georgia Davis – who had to be winched out of her house this week after becoming trapped in her bed – must be feeling super-inspired to crack on with her weight loss programme this morning.