Imagined Exchanges: UK Slaughterhouse Scandal


Peter Boddy, whose Todmorden slaughterhouse is currently under FSA investigation. Image via mccormicky.

“No, it’s all beef. I swear, it’s beef.”

What about behind that fence? They’re wallabies, aren’t they? Those, there.

“They’re cows. You see? This is what happens when bloody townies start interfering in things they don’t understand. They’re cows. Now get off my land.”

Brian Blessed: Your Reputation Precedes You


Image: Gf/Bauer Griffin.

Brian Blessed, you are a British institution, beloved of everyone who enjoys big beards and shouting.

But with the best will in the world, no one is going to be foolish enough to stand next to you as you lustily sing your way through the Holy Trinity Church Carol Concert in London. Unless they’re actively seeking a festive bout of tinnitus, of course.

Shen Jianzhong: What Would Bruce Lee Do?

Shen Jianzhong does not subscribe to the theory that violence in the movies is much sexier and exciting than in real life.

We know this, because when 50 blokes who had been harassing local residents to sign over their homes to a property developer, turned up on his doorstep and started threatening his wife, he didn’t figure that his idol, legendary martial arts expert and movie star Bruce Lee, would probably have locked the door and called the damned police.

Shen, a fitness instructor who has dedicated 20 years of his life to learning his idol’s techniques, instead applied some hefty movie logic to the situation and set about the thugs with the help of his son. By the time they had finished, the guys who remained on their feet were cowering outside. The less fortunate ones, about seven of them, according to reports, lay in an unconscious and embarrassing heap by the front door.

Their views regarding the relative glamour of movie violence compared to real life have yet to be canvassed, but presumably someone will ask them when they come round.

Yoko Ono: Lost In Translation. Or Maybe There Just Aren’t Enough Words.


Looks ok on him, but… Image via

In case you missed it, Yoko Ono recently unleashed a clothing collection inspired by her late husband, John Lennon, on an unsuspecting and, let’s be honest, entirely unprepared, world.

Continue reading “Yoko Ono: Lost In Translation. Or Maybe There Just Aren’t Enough Words.”

Cable Car: Totally Over My Head

Image: Oli Scarff/Getty Images.

UPDATE: It broke.

ORIGINAL POST: This is the Emirates Air Line cable car, which is going to travel between the O2 Arena  and the ExCeL exhibition centre during the Olympics. Apparently it travels 300ft over the Thames at 8.9mph and is capable of carrying up to 2,500 people per hour.

I don’t mean to be cynical, but does anyone else feel we might be operating ever so slightly above our national competence levels with this? Last night, not 15 miles away, a dangerous criminal escaped from Pentonville prison using a ‘makeshift rope’.

It makes me nervous, that’s all. I’ve seen Moonraker.

Communication Breakdown: My Week Without The Internet

Image via cheezburger.

When you consider that the human race survived for several thousand years without global connectivity, it hasn’t taken us long to forget how we managed before. A technological snafu this week gave me the opportunity to experience the full horror of a wifi-less world first hand, and let me tell you. I learned more about myself and the world in that short space of time than I do from my usual hourly rotation with Web MD.

It was almost as scary, too.

Continue reading “Communication Breakdown: My Week Without The Internet”

Samantha Brick: A New Appointment?

Jessica Ennis. Unfeasibly massive. Image: Ian Walton/Getty Images Europe.

A ‘high ranking person’ at UK Athletics has reportedly stated that heptathlete and Olympic poster girl Jessica Ennis is carrying “too much weight“.

We’ve seen this defiance in the face of logic and sense (not to mention reality bending myopia) before, people. The only conclusion one can draw is that Samantha Brick’s work as a feminist cheerleader has attracted the attention of UK Athletics and they have appointed her Olympic Fat Tsar.

They must have. No sensible person would say such a thing about a young woman who is, without doubt, one of the most positive role models this country has ever produced. That would be really, really dumb. And dangerous.

Georgia Davis – who had to be winched out of her house this week after becoming trapped in her bed – must be feeling super-inspired to crack on with her weight loss programme this morning.