The promo poster should have warned me off. It’s hard to take John Travolta seriously at the best of times, but when he’s cast in a movie that requires him to sport a beard/hair combo made of fuzzy felt, a homemade bow and arrow and an off-the-shelf Eastern European accent, it’s impossible to say the signs weren’t writ large.
Oh god. What fresh hell is this?
The Viewer’s forays into the depths of dramality television are not new. I have repeatedly articulated my worries about her viewing habits, but intially I trusted her, accepting in good faith her explanation that the Jersey Shore thing was justified on the basis that it was at the forefront of a cultural zeitgeist involving the liberal use of confusion-avoidance lettering against colourful backdrops.
I let it go. I shouldn’t have.
Continue reading “The Viewer: The Valleys, Where Life Begins.”
From this… Image via theoccidentalobserver.
It’s a film about a plane crash. It’s directed by Robert Zemeckis, of Castaway, Forrest Gump and Back To The Future fame. It’s got Denzel Washington in it. It’s called Flight.
How much harm can it do?
If you’ve been avoiding watching Les Misérables, the chances are, it’s for the same reasons as The Viewer.
Image via hitfix.
The Viewer is a huge fan of crime fiction and police procedurals. What she chooses to do with the vast amount of knowledge she has gained from this predilection has evaded me to date, but I do occasionally feel that allowing her to watch them may in the future make me an accessory to any crimes she commits.
Just putting it out there.
Continue reading “The Viewer: The Following, Six Degrees Of Serial Killing”
Birgitte Nyborg. Camo chic. Image via linktv.org.
The Viewer has developed an unhealthy fascination with Birgitte Nyborg. She believes that, like Birgitte, she is essentially a good hearted person who, through the machinations of others, is perpetually criticised and wilfully misunderstood for simply trying to do the right thing by everyone.
For anyone preparing to accept this idea without question, I feel it’s only fair to inform you that only one of our glamorous, intellectually driven, emotionally sensitive protagonists is currently confined to a flame retardant basement with restraints on the walls and yogurt stains all over the TV.
It’s not Birgitte.
Note how the cast’s reactions to the new boys’ genitalia offer a subtle hint as to the nature of their future relationships. Image via facebook.
Bored? Lonely? Suicidal?
The Viewer is. That’s why she watches this shite.
Continue reading “The Viewer: Geordie Shore, Everything Changes But You”
Image via twitter.
Congratulations to the X-Factor PR team, who have done a sterling job in promoting their acts across the media this season.
The Viewer hasn’t watched a single episode of the show – the television is removed from her nest prior to the appointed time, just to be sure – and yet she has honed her dislike of Rylan Clark’s attention grabbing antics to such a sharp point, she may well poke someone’s eyes out with it.
It isn’t as though she’s even heard him sing.
Image via cinemablend.
An irrational fear of a mysterious beast that dwells alone in the darkness, is rarely seen, but whose sinister, unnerving presence is constantly felt.
The Viewer feels a peculiar kinship with the great white shark. And rats.
Sam Brick. Not as comfortable with pretty princess tag as you might think. Image via unrealitytv.
Her work with the Geordie Shore crew has transformed The Viewer into an overnight sensation, but as she is rapidly discovering, fame comes with it’s own price tag.
Only last week she had a panic attack after realising that her new status as the darling of the sarcastic circuit had elevated her to the very furrow of fame Channel 5 ploughs when it needs Celebrity Big Brother contestants. Fortunately for all concerned, The Viewer has not been selected for this series of CBB, but it’s only a matter of time before you, your friends and/or your family pet are forcibly ejected from your homes and into a plywood shed in Elstree for three weeks to talk endlessly about your insignificant achievements until the world wants to waterboard you.
Having watched the opening exchanges, The Viewer would now like to offer you a few words of advice, should that terrifying series of events come to pass.
Kelly Welles 
