Category: Unreasonably Sarcastic… But Still True

Pussy Riot: Better Parenting Through Imprisonment

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: Maxim Shemetov/Reuters.

If we accepted Vladimir Putin’s suggestion that Pussy Riot’s musical protest “erode[d] Russia’s moral foundation and undermine[d] the country“, it would be pertinent to ask how depriving two kids of contact with their mothers at a crucial point in their development could possibly be constructive in this regard.

However, since most sane people would reject that assertion out of hand, let’s not waste time arguing the point. It’s moot now anyway, since Maria Alyokhina and Nadezhda Tolokonnikova are being shipped off to a prison colony in the Russian hinterland where they will spend their days sewing prison uniforms and learning how to fight murderers.

Which will, of course, benefit Russia’s moral foundation for generations to come.

MORE: Pussy Riot, Theatre of the Absurd

European Union: The Delicately Balanced Lesser Of Two Evils

Posted on by Kelly Welles

No… honestly, they’re lovely. Do we not get a car or a speedboat as well though? Image via tumblr.

While unemployment, poverty, fear, helplessness and the dramatic gulf between the haves and the have-nots make for good human interest copy, they’re far less effective at conveying a sense of immediate crisis as pictures of bombings, physical injuries and grieving relatives.

Presumably this is why the Nobel committee saw fit to award their Peace Prize to the European Union. The twin tasks of keeping one’s own nest comfortably feathered while ensuring the Euro doesn’t completely collapse as a result is so time consuming, the powers-that-be in Europe’s omnipotent institution haven’t really got time to be starting any wars.

Feel pissed off about that? You should be grateful. Figuring out how to make twenty quid stretch until next Thursday is better than having your face blown off in a ground conflict.

Or a less immediate route to the same place, anyway.

Weekend Highlights: Carry On Groping

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Have you noticed that some people are terribly perplexed by the sex scandal gradually engulfing the BBC? Over the weekend I’ve come across several individuals, ranging from people I know to commenters on internet sites, who are questioning the veracity of the women coming forward with their stories.

For this week’s highlights package, I’ve prepared a primer of the most common queries I’ve heard or read, plus a crib sheet of possible responses. Writing it has served as a useful distraction from my own annoyance, and if you’re as pissed off about this as I am, it may provide essential pause before your arm lifts and you find yourself grabbing for the nearest heavy object to hurl at the befuddled applicant for the post of village idiot standing in front of you.

Continue reading “Weekend Highlights: Carry On Groping” →

Parkour Paramilitary: A New Kind Of Training Camp

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: REUTERS/Mohammed Salem.

Given the world we live in, it’s only a matter of time before speculation begins (from those with a specialist news agenda) that these Palestinian kids are training in some new fangled suicide bombing technique rather than practicing Parkour, which is what they’re actually doing.

Best enjoy the pics while you still can do so without questioning your politics, really.

Continue reading “Parkour Paramilitary: A New Kind Of Training Camp” →

Paris Hilton Opens Mouth, Changes Feet

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: PacificCoastNews.com.

What Paris Hilton Allegedly Said In A Cab:

Ewwww … gay guys are the horniest people in the world … they’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. … I would be so scared if I was a gay guy … you’ll, like, die of AIDS.

What Paris Hilton’s Rep Claims That Paris Hilton Actually Said In A Cab:

Paris was simply trying to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life-threatening disease. Her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the [Grindr, gay men’s social networking] site. The cab driver who recorded this only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays.

Yep. And I’m a daffodil.

Let’s not be churlish though. It’s pretty impressive that Paris has finally managed to alienate the one demographic even vaguely prepared to countenance her pointlessness. It’s been a long time coming, but she got there in the end!

DOING!!!!

Mitt Romney: Elect & Be Damned (Or Possibly Blown Up)

Posted on by Kelly Welles

The possibility of a few laughs is a small price to pay to keep that finger away from the button. Image: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images North America.

If the office didn’t include overall control of “the button“, the capacity to turn slow burning conflicts into global disasters through poor admin and the requirement to understand, or even have heard of the word ‘diplomacy‘,  it would be quite fun to elect Mitt Romney as President, wouldn’t it?

Weekend Highlights: Snark Patrol

Posted on by Kelly Welles

If this isn’t a warning to him, nothing will be. Photoshop: Kelly Welles.

Pleasant weekend, peeps?

If not, here are some things that amused/irritated or otherwise grabbed my attention while I was trying to do other things.

Continue reading “Weekend Highlights: Snark Patrol” →

Dominique Strauss-Kahn: Just About Bearing Up

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Dominique Strauss-Kahn prepares to leave the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel last night. Image: VALERY HACHE/AFP/GettyImages.

You’d imagine that resigning from your job as head of the International Monetary Fund would be enough to assuage those who doubted your veracity when you were accused of raping a chambermaid, wouldn’t you?

But no. Even though the allegations were dropped because the chambermaid was careless enough to be illiterate and an African immigrant, effectively rendering her a non-person, Dominique Strauss-Kahn had to sacrifice his political aspirations too. No one, not even a man of his self-confidence and power could seriously expect to undertake a presidential campaign in his native country without journalists excitedly surfing the tsunami of allegations that follow him in lieu of a wake.

Until recently, Big Dom was able to rely on his wife for comfort and support, but even she’s left him now.

Still, it looks as though he’s just about bearing up, doesn’t it?

Boris Johnson: Unleash The Beast?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images Europe.

Coverage of Boris’s adventures at the Olympics threatened to overwhelm the sporting competition at times.

He had enjoyed himself thoroughly and yearned to revisit the thrilling heights of the cable cars and zip wires during the Paralympics.

Continue reading “Boris Johnson: Unleash The Beast?” →

Science Update: Media Causes Cancer

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Goat. Will almost certainly give you cancer. Image via politicalscrapbook.net.

Cancer fatigue is a recently identified condition on the rise among the population of the UK.

Origins: Realisation by UK news media in the early 90s’s that exploitation of moral panic resulting from a single event frightens people and compels them to buy newspapers to educate & therefore protect themselves. Cancer quickly identified as a ‘fear’ hot button by media and the search begins for every piece of published scientific research that can be worked into a story about cancer, irrespective of reliability.

Causes: Identification of everyday foodstuffs, recreational drugs, social networking sites and basically any animate or inanimate object in the known universe as a potential cause of cancer.

Symptoms: Paranoia. Cyberchondria. Substance abuse, depression. All of which result in higher stress levels, which according to reports, are scientifically proven to cause cancer.

Complications: Relevant information pertaining to cancer becomes lost among the hundreds of thousands of articles about how exposure to doughnuts, toilet paper and goats can potentially cause cancer.

Treatment: Avoid exposure to the internet and all news media outlets for ever.