Category: Unreasonably Sarcastic… But Still True

Strike A Match & Other Government Advice You Should Have Ignored

Posted on by Kelly Welles

A petrol shortage? Hmm, draining the reserves we still have is going to help, isn’t it? Image: REUTERS/Darren Staples.

You know, we have no grounds to complain about a nanny state and media reporting thereon when we react like this to an impending fuel shortage. OK, so Francis Maude didn’t exactly help the situation by telling people to “fill a jerry can” and “keep it in your garage“, but seriously?

If Francis Maude then told you to then light a match and throw it into said garage, would you do that as well?

Gene Simmons: No “Fake Bullshit”? Seriously?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Yes, and presumably that’s all your own hair too, Gene. Image via thegrio.com.

And the ‘Keepin’ It Real in Rock Award’ goes to Gene Simmons of Kiss, who has emerged from behind the clown make-up, disturbing tongue calisthenics and spangly costumes that defined his career, to slag off Rihanna for “being fake” and “using karaoke machines“ in her performances.

What’s the matter, Gene? You not liking this new fangled equality business, or sumthin’?

The Daily Mail: You Have To Give Them Credit (Even If They Don’t Return The Favour)

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image screen grabbed from the DM this morning at 11am this morning.

The internet is rife with accusations of plagiarism towards the Daily Mail newspaper. In the past couple of years, esteemed organs such as the New York Times, humble football blogs and seemingly everyone in-between has noted that articles published in the bible of Middle England have been based on pieces appearing elsewhere first, and in some cases, lifted word for word.

Without credit.

Continue reading “The Daily Mail: You Have To Give Them Credit (Even If They Don’t Return The Favour)” →

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Just Run, Jump & Kiss On The Face

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: thatswhatupnow.com

I’m soooo excited by this photo of a marine arriving home from active duty and leaping into the arms of his partner.

The outraged wailing and gnashing of teeth that will inevitably ensue from religious and right wing groups will be a joy to behold.

I’m just nipping out to get me some popcorn. Anyone want anything?

Sacha Baron Cohen: Room For Optimism

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Congratulations to Sacha Baron Cohen, who hammered what we can only hope is final nail into his ‘controversial’ career coffin last night by dumping powder over an interviewer on the red carpet at the Oscars.

Ryan Seacrest was the unfortunate victim of Baron Cohen’s pre-awards comedy skit, which basically involved the ‘Bruno’ star walking the red carpet dressed as a dictator (costume available from any good fancy dress retailer) and accidentally tipping what he claimed were the ashes of Kim Jong-Il over Seacrest’s trousers.

This would have been the hilarious, showstopping promotion tool for his new film that Baron Cohen was hoping for, but for two things. The humour to be found in fascist dictatorships is arguably limited to anyone who doesn’t buy into convenient media stereotypes, and Chumbawamba did more or less the same thing fourteen years ago to John Prescott at the Brits.

They vanished without trace shortly after. Fingers crossed, kids.

David Cameron: Last Among Equals

Posted on by Kelly Welles

(Back L – R) Sean Fitzpatrick, Gary Player, Nadia Comaneci, Novak Djokovic, Boris Becker, Oscar Pistorius, Steve Regrave, Mark Spitz; (Front L-R) Kelly Holmes, Tanni Grey-Thompson, David Cameron, Edwin Moses and Martina Navratilova gather at 10 Downing St before the 2012 Laureus Awards last night. 

I honestly didn’t believe that the British media could portray David Cameron as any more of a loser than they currently do.

So kudos to whoever set up this shot of Cam, front and centre of a group of athletes whose achievements dwarf the PM’s to such an extent, even he looks embarrassed.

That person must have a wicked sense of humour. Or a Lib-Dem membership card.

Sepp Blatter: If The Soccer Thing Doesn’t Work Out…

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Shorts tight enough for you, Sepp? Image: Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

… a vacancy much more suited to your skill set is waiting for you in the Lingerie Football League, as demonstrated by this ‘gentleman’ during the LFL Superbowl yesterday.

Whaddya waiting for?

Cynthia Nixon: Post Ironic Poster Girl

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Cynthia Nixon. About to cause further controversy by claiming homosexuality is in fact a highly contagious virus manufactured by Al Qaeda. Image: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images North America.

It isn’t often that a celebrity can claim to be in trouble with both the pro AND anti-gay movements. So congratulations to Sex & The City actress Cynthia Nixon, who has reportedly angered gay activists by saying that her current status as lesbian is one she ‘chose’.

Anti-gay groups already hated her, obviously, because she’s dating a woman. So from a PR point of view, that’s a pleasingly limited budget spend right there.

Continue reading “Cynthia Nixon: Post Ironic Poster Girl” →

So What’s The Point Of Sex Again? I’m Confused.

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Rachel Zoe, her six-inch-heels and a conveniently positioned grate. Image: PacificCoastNews.com.

If procreation and furthering one’s own special gene puddle is the purpose of existence, how the hell did we end up in a position where the culturally accepted definition of ‘feminine’ involves denying you’re pregnant for as long as possible by wearing ridiculous heels, having an elective Caeserean to avoid sagging and then losing your babyweight in 4.6 minutes so you can get into even more ridiculous heels and size zero dresses?

Or is it just excessive surfing of the Daily Mail sidebar-of-shame which has led me to this upsetting and hopefully (because the Daily Mail are involved) erroneous opinion of my ‘sisters’?

‘The Artist’: Kind To The Culturally Cretinous?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Liverpool’s Odeon One. A little too quiet for some. Image: multibuild.

Cinema-goers in Liverpool have apparently demanded refunds from their local Odeon after failing to realise that ‘The Artist‘ is a silent film.

I can only assume that these are essentially the same people who enhance my viewing pleasure during movies by discussing their sex lives and chicken dinner plans in graphic detail on their phones.

Surely loud cinema dialogue is a distraction to diarising? You’d imagine they’d be grateful for the peace.