Category: Unreasonably Sarcastic… But Still True

Rachel Corrie: Blind Spot

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Rachel Corrie. She’s the one with the megaphone and the hi-viz vest, in case you couldn’t spot her. Image via ibtimes.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

The above photo shows US activist Rachel Corrie standing in front of an Israeli bulldozer as it tries to demolish Palestinian homes in Gaza in 2003. Later the same day, Corrie was killed after being crushed by, you’ll never guess what… an Israeli bulldozer.

Having spent the last nine years seeking justice for Rachel’s death, her parents brought a civil claim against the Israeli Ministry of Defence for negligence, but this morning an Israeli court ruled that the state of Israel was not responsible for her death, that it was a regrettable accident but had taken place during ‘wartime actions‘ while Corrie was “protecting terrorists in a designated combat zone.” Oh, and the bulldozer guy didn’t see her.

It’s difficult to work out which of these myriad excuses is most offensive to her memory. But if you’re one of those who feel that the whole thing would never have happened if she hadn’t been there, think about the quote above. If a young woman from Washington believed in a cause so strongly she was prepared to put her life on the line for it, the least the rest of us can do is pay attention.

Bad things can happen when you’re not looking.

And We’re Back: British Post-Olympic Optimism Pierced By Prince Harry’s Penis

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Penis not shown. But then, it doesn’t really need to be. Image: Lma/Bauer Griffin.

Being a cynic of some repute, I had a feeling that this brave new world of post-Olympic British optimism wouldn’t last. The feelings of togetherness and joy we experienced as a nation – borne from the realisation that we were capable of doing something on the global stage without making complete tits of ourselves – were only ever a veneer, an unexpected heat wave in our perpetual winter of self-loathing and narcissism. We were still there. Just waiting. Just breathing.

Little did we know that last Friday night, while we were still exploring the well-lit alleys and sunny streets of ‘optimistic’, events were afoot that would break that heatwave and douse us once again in the familiar chill of the endless bloody rain.

Royalty. Nudity. Naked Girls. Camera Phones. Drinking. It’s like a perfect storm of British scandal.

Continue reading “And We’re Back: British Post-Olympic Optimism Pierced By Prince Harry’s Penis” →

The X-Factor: Religious Ratings Boost

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: VINCENZO PINTO/AFP/GettyImages.

Simon Cowell has taken a risk with his latest appointment to the X-Factor judging panel, but it’s widely agreed that Pope Benedict XVI is certain to provide the show with a much needed ratings boost.

Todd Akin: Legitimate Head Slapping

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Todd Akin. Ripe for a legitimate head slapping. Image: REUTERS/House of Representatives.

First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

In light of Congressman Todd Akin’s comments during an interview about abortion on Sunday, it’s only fair we warn him about ‘legitimate head slapping‘. This is a involuntary reaction similar to that experienced by women who are being raped, but instead of the body “shutting that whole [pregnancy] thing down“, what tends to happen is that the arms of people presented with dangerous, ill-informed remarks tend to rise and issue a number of sharp slaps to the back of the offender’s head until they stop talking.

Honestly, it’s proven. I’ve seen it happen.

Schadenfreude Corner: KP ‘The Nuts’ Pietersen

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: REUTERS/Luke MacGregor.

When you get dropped from the England cricket team for allegedly sending critical text messages about your fellow players to the opposition, it’s fair to say you’re unlikely to receive the biggest welcome when you return to your club.

So congrats to Kevin Pietersen, who generously gave supporters something to get their teeth into at the weekend by getting bowled out first ball and having to do the walk of shame to a veritable chorus of enthusiastic boos and hisses.

Did you really think you could call your captain a ‘doos’ and no-one would figure out what it meant? You’re not the only one with access to electronic communication, Kev.

Arsenal FC: Time To Go Under The Knife

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Arsene keeps a close eye on the hair loss. Image: REUTERS/ Eddie Keogh.

When Arsenal were invincible, it seemed like their glory would go on forever. For game after game, their boundless beauty was the envy of teams the world over, and their grace and allure on the pitch might have launched ships, if North London wasn’t essentially landlocked.

Arsene Wenger has worked hard to maintain Arsenal’s looks over the past eight years, and it would be fair to say that occasionally, when light and dark collide and shadows fall at just the right angle over the Emirates, a casual watcher would never spot the imperfections.

Continue reading “Arsenal FC: Time To Go Under The Knife” →

PETA vs. Lady Gaga: Let Them Eat Lettuce

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Dam Hong Loan takes on the carnivores (and garden pests) in Hanoi this morning. Brave girl. Images: HOANG DINH NAM/AFP/GettyImages.

You can see where she got the idea. And given Lady Gaga’s recent indecision regarding the ethical rights and wrongs of wearing fur, Dam Hong Loan’s PETA protest against animal cruelty was beautifully timed.

One wonders how she’s going to deal with the inevitable slug issue, though. At least Gaga had a team of slaves available to swat at her meat dress before the blowflies settled in. It’s conceivable she has salted the shit out of those lettuce leaves, but when you consider the issues at stake here, leaving a trail of gasping, melting slugs in her wake probably isn’t the most politically sensitive move.

It’s an ethical dilemma, and no mistake.

Take a second to check PETA out. They do great work. 

Samantha Brick: Reach For The Stars

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Is Harry Potter required reading at Daily Mail journalism school? Image via celebitchy.com

Rumour has it that alleged journalist and confirmed agitator of the utterly pointless, Samantha Brick, is about to appear in Celebrity Big Brother.

Oh God.

Continue reading “Samantha Brick: Reach For The Stars” →

US Women’s National Soccer Team: Guide To Etiquette

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: AP Photo/Julie Jacobson, Ronald Martinez/Getty Images.

We hope you enjoy your moment of glory.

But please try & remember to retain an air of humility and dignity during all gold medal celebrations. Do not shout, squeal, run, jump or borrow someone’s camera and take pictures of your team-mates. Basically, no spur of the moment acts that could be interpreted as unbecoming.

Despite winning, you are still women, and it would be uncomfortable for people to have their gender stereotypes challenged while they’re just trying to enjoy some sport.

Thank you.

Kufr Qaddum: A Protest Of Biblical Proportions

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: JAAFAR ASHTIYEH/AFP/GettyImages.

Things would have probably ended quite differently in the David & Goliath story if Goliath had been driving an armoured earth mover.

But judging from this image, taken during the weekly protest at Kufr Qaddum, near Nablus this morning, it’s going to take another 2000 years or so to resolve this conflict.

That should give us enough time to work out those pesky funding disparities.