Category: Semi-Retired Riot Grrl

Simon Cowell: He’s Coming For Your Children

Posted on by Kelly Welles

If you let me have Sean, I’ll resurrect your career. Image: AP Photo/Evan Agostini.

If you thought you could avoid the pernicous reach of Simon Cowell by simply refusing to watch the X-Factor, read about it and most importantly, buying any of the resulting musical excretions, you were wrong.

It would be lovely to have faith in the great British public and say it’s a coincidence that the Cowell’s favoured spawn over the last couple of years, Harry Styles of One Direction and Amelia Lily (of, well, Mr & Mrs Lily, presumably) had absolutely nothing to do with the news this morning that Harry & Amelia were the most popular baby names of 2011.

But given that Styles and his band of fluffy haired foetuses have enjoyed terrifying chart success in the last twelve months and Lily is on her way, having just signed a £500,000 three album deal with a Sony subsidiary, it’s almost certainly true.

Shall we just get it out of the way now and each of us offer Cowell our firstborn? You know it won’t be long.

US Women’s National Soccer Team: Guide To Etiquette

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: AP Photo/Julie Jacobson, Ronald Martinez/Getty Images.

We hope you enjoy your moment of glory.

But please try & remember to retain an air of humility and dignity during all gold medal celebrations. Do not shout, squeal, run, jump or borrow someone’s camera and take pictures of your team-mates. Basically, no spur of the moment acts that could be interpreted as unbecoming.

Despite winning, you are still women, and it would be uncomfortable for people to have their gender stereotypes challenged while they’re just trying to enjoy some sport.

Thank you.

Pussy Riot: Theatre Of The Absurd

Posted on by Kelly Welles

How come the dangerous punk revolutionary is dressed more appropriately for court than her guard? Image: AP Photo/Alexander Zemlianichenko.

Clearly punk feminist collective Pussy Riot knew that they would face severe punishment for attempting to sing a protest song inside a Russian Orthodox church while wearing badly knitted balaclavas. Presumably they were counting on the heavy handed treatment meted out to them by the Russian authorities being picked up by the global media, encouraging high profile figures from the music community to offer their support and further publicise their cause.

Continue reading “Pussy Riot: Theatre Of The Absurd” →

Madonna: Another One Bites The Dust

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Bang Bang… my idol shot me down. Image: AP Photo / Sean Dempsey.

Dear Madonna,

It is my sad duty to inform you that, after careful consideration, your role as my idol has become redundant.

I realise this may come as a shock to you given the length of your tenure in my life (or even more likely, you won’t give a crap because financially, it’s still a winner) , but in truth, your position has been has been under threat for some time.

Indeed, I began to suspect you weren’t the female influence I was hoping for when I got old enough to realise that getting my boobs out and pretending to be sexually available for every moment of my waking life did not encourage people to take me seriously.

Continue reading “Madonna: Another One Bites The Dust” →

Lingerie Football League: A Revolution In Spandex

Posted on by Kelly Welles

I’m willing to wager that I’m not the first person whose been inspired to action by this picture. Image: WILLIAM WEST/AFP/GettyImages.

While we’ve all been concentrating on the well-intentioned (but ultimately pointless) battle to keep sport out of politics, the US based Lingerie Football League have been working their lacy knickers off  on an entirely different project. And to be fair to them, their campaign to introduce porn into American Football has been so successful, it seems pointless to try and stem the inevitable tide of unexpected nudity.

There must be a way to turn this to our advantage.

Continue reading “Lingerie Football League: A Revolution In Spandex” →

FEMEN: You Can’t See Tits On The Radio

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: SERGEI SUPINSKY/AFP/GettyImages.

Note to terrorists. If you’re trying to make a political point, don’t waste time with bombs and guns and violence.

There’s a much more effective way to threaten the very fabric of the civilisation. Get your boobs out** and run around. Even better, hurl yourself at expensive trinkets held so dear by the hierarchy. The panic on the faces of those paid to look after them hints that it might be a surprisingly rich vein.

Continue reading “FEMEN: You Can’t See Tits On The Radio” →

Fashion Fail: It’s Like They Don’t Want Us To Feel Better

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image:  Chris McGrath/Getty Images.

Research conducted by model agency founder Ben Barry suggests that if fashion used models reflecting a more realistic, less idealistic view of women, more of them would be more inclined to purchase their clothing.

I was so pleased when I read this. As one of a new breed of feminists content to complain about the status quo but not actually do anything about it, I was hoping fashion designers would eventually realise we’re not all 6ft tall, size zero creatures who can subsist quite comfortably on a diet of lettuce and nicotine. Surely, when this news broke, fashionistas would immediately dump those ethereal, inadequacy-perpetuating creatures and start throwing ‘real’ women down those catwalks: the ‘just need to shed that last 7lbs and I’d be perfect’ women, who fight a daily battle with chocolate donuts, and will definitely to make it to the gym later today, pinkie swear.

Like Ben Barry’s research says, more people would buy the clothes. We could all eat more cake. The designers would make an even bigger fortune. Have a huge presence.

No losers there.

Continue reading “Fashion Fail: It’s Like They Don’t Want Us To Feel Better” →

AA Gill: Refined, But Essentially Still A Troll

Posted on by Kelly Welles

AA Gill. You’d be laughing too, if you got paid as much as he does for calling people names. Image: Chris Jackson/Getty Images.

The egalitarian internet. That most open of spaces where comment is not only free, it’s rapidly becoming a bigger talking point than the original prose it responds to.

Continue reading “AA Gill: Refined, But Essentially Still A Troll” →