Category: Sport

Reasons To Be Cheerful, Vol I: The Misanthropist Strains For A Smile

Posted on by Kelly Welles


Britain. We’re Great, we are. Image: Alexander Hassenstein/Getty Images.

In a departure from the usual cynicism and snark you come here to enjoy, I would like to present a list of things that have given me cheer in the last week or so. This is no way indicative of a change in direction for the site, it’s more of an experiment –  the ‘Vol 1’ of the title is rather more in hope than expectation, as it’s entirely more satisfying to be sarcastic about events than to try to find a positive.

See point 1 for more details.

Continue reading “Reasons To Be Cheerful, Vol I: The Misanthropist Strains For A Smile” →

London 2012 Mysteries Solved: Where’s Phillips?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Was Phillips on admin duty at the time the South Korean flag was displayed while North Korean soccer players warmed up? Original image: whatsonxiamen. Photoshop: baggytrouseredmisanthropist.

Phillips Idowu is one of the few British athletes who stand a chance of medalling at the Olympics, so it’s no wonder his recent bizarre behaviour has caused some consternation amongst the authorities.

Phillips failed to turn up for the Team GB training camp in Portugal, claiming he was injured. However, requests for copies of his medical records from the British Olympic Association have so far failed to provoke a response, and UK Athletics head coach Charles van Commenee has stated that he has no clue whether Phillips will be participating.

There has been speculation that Phillips might be ‘playing mind games‘ with the BOA and fellow competitors. Given the varying degrees of success the opening events have met with, that isn’t beyond the realms of possibility.

Continue reading “London 2012 Mysteries Solved: Where’s Phillips?” →

FEMEN: Thwarted By Adrian Chiles In A Liverpool Suit

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Images: femen.livejournal.com.

If you’re a European leader with a misogynistic agenda, the chances are you’re going to be receiving a surprise visit from FEMEN at some point in the future.

You know that being photographed fighting with a naked woman is not going to be the best publicity for your cause. But how do you plan for it? How can you fight the reality that most paparazzi have a Pavlovian response to nipples and will follow them wherever they may roam?

Well, you don’t become Patriarch Kirill I of Moscow if you’re some sort of slouch, y’know. The big bearded head of the Russian Orthodox Church, having effectively stepped in front of the FEMEN bus by condemning Russian band Pussy Riot for performing in a church, took evasive action – appointing Adrian Chiles in a Liverpool FA Cup 1996 suit as his head of security.

And it bloody worked! Look! There’s a photo above of a half naked woman wrestling with a bunch of priests on the tarmac at Borispol airport near Kiev, and all I can look at is that damn guy and his outfit.

Keep up the good work, FEMEN. If you continue creating photo opps like this,the world will listen and we should have misogyny kicked within a year. Then we can move on to crimes against fashion together.

Joe Paterno: Gone But Not Forgotten

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar.

Ten days after the FBI reported that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had concealed allegations of child abuse during his tenure, his statue has been removed from outside Beaver Stadium.

All that remains is four ghostly images of wounded, unnamed footballers. Spooky, that.

The Penn State Community: Taking The Power Back

Posted on by Kelly Welles

A light aircraft warns authorities against inertia as it flies across the skies above Penn State University yesterday. REUTERS/Nabil K. Mark/Centre Daily Times.

Discussions about whether a statue of former football coach Joe Paterno should remain outside Penn State’s Beaver Stadium have apparently reached an impasse.

The FBI announced last week that they believed Paterno knew about incidents of child abuse perpetrated by his former colleague Jerry Sandusky, who is now in jail for his crimes.

Buckles Up: G4S Boss Spearheads New Wave Of TV Torture

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image via blogspot.

This debonair and rather hirsute chap is Nick Buckles. Nick’s in charge of G4S, the company who have reportedly arsed up security for the London 2012 Olympics to such an extent, no one knows how many contract workers will be turning up to protect participants and visitors to the stadia.

Today, like Rebekah Brooks, Bob Diamond & David Cameron before him, he will attempt to defend his role in “the shambles” to a committee of MPs.

Is trial by Select Committee the natural successor to dramality television? It’s arguably as scripted, and in most cases the decision making of the protagonists is just as questionable, but the stakes are significantly higher than whether Arg can lose weight in time to run the London Marathon.

I’m betting it’s going to catch on. We as a nation have always enjoyed a bit of ritual humiliation.

Dereck Chisora vs. David Haye: So Nearly Sucked In

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Aww, BFF’s again. Image: Scott Heavey/Getty Images.

I came very close to having a meaningful emotional experience while watching a boxing match on Saturday night. Thankfully, my natural cynicism kicked in before I collapsed into embarrassing tears over how lovely the world is, but trust me, it was close.

Continue reading “Dereck Chisora vs. David Haye: So Nearly Sucked In” →

Joe Paterno: The Memory Lives On Forever

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: REUTERS/Pat Little.

Nike have decided to drop the name ‘Joe Paterno’ from a child care centre on their campus after it was confirmed by the FBI that he helped cover up Jerry Sandusky’s involvement in a child molestation scandal that has rocked America.

Sandusky was recently found guilty on 45 charges of child sex abuse that took place during his tenure as assistant football coach at Penn State . It is believed that Paterno, who was head coach at the time the offences were committed, was aware of the abuse but failed to report it to the authorities.

Continue reading “Joe Paterno: The Memory Lives On Forever” →

David Haye & Dereck Chisora: Fence Off!

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: REUTERS/Olivia Harris.

David Haye and Dereck Chisora are so up for their fight on Saturday, they had to be separated by a fence during a pre-match press conference. They were so blinded by the hate flowing through their veins, neither realised that they could have simply stepped around the fence and beaten each other to death.

Even if we bought into this crap though, and accepted the fact that this is a ploy to promote a ‘grudge’ fight that came about through a rather suspect series of events, we would still have to ask the following question. Are the payday, press coverage and purse attached to all this worth the damage to your careers and reputations?

Guess so.