London 2012 Mysteries Solved: Where’s Phillips?

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Was Phillips on admin duty at the time the South Korean flag was displayed while North Korean soccer players warmed up? Original image: whatsonxiamen. Photoshop: baggytrouseredmisanthropist.

Phillips Idowu is one of the few British athletes who stand a chance of medalling at the Olympics, so it’s no wonder his recent bizarre behaviour has caused some consternation amongst the authorities.

Phillips failed to turn up for the Team GB training camp in Portugal, claiming he was injured. However, requests for copies of his medical records from the British Olympic Association have so far failed to provoke a response, and UK Athletics head coach Charles van Commenee has stated that he has no clue whether Phillips will be participating.

There has been speculation that Phillips might be ‘playing mind games‘ with the BOA and fellow competitors. Given the varying degrees of success the opening events have met with, that isn’t beyond the realms of possibility.

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FEMEN: Thwarted By Adrian Chiles In A Liverpool Suit

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Images: femen.livejournal.com.

If you’re a European leader with a misogynistic agenda, the chances are you’re going to be receiving a surprise visit from FEMEN at some point in the future.

You know that being photographed fighting with a naked woman is not going to be the best publicity for your cause. But how do you plan for it? How can you fight the reality that most paparazzi have a Pavlovian response to nipples and will follow them wherever they may roam?

Well, you don’t become Patriarch Kirill I of Moscow if you’re some sort of slouch, y’know. The big bearded head of the Russian Orthodox Church, having effectively stepped in front of the FEMEN bus by condemning Russian band Pussy Riot for performing in a church, took evasive action – appointing Adrian Chiles in a Liverpool FA Cup 1996 suit as his head of security.

And it bloody worked! Look! There’s a photo above of a half naked woman wrestling with a bunch of priests on the tarmac at Borispol airport near Kiev, and all I can look at is that damn guy and his outfit.

Keep up the good work, FEMEN. If you continue creating photo opps like this,the world will listen and we should have misogyny kicked within a year. Then we can move on to crimes against fashion together.

Cable Car: Totally Over My Head

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: Oli Scarff/Getty Images.

UPDATE: It broke.
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ORIGINAL POST: This is the Emirates Air Line cable car, which is going to travel between the O2 Arena  and the ExCeL exhibition centre during the Olympics. Apparently it travels 300ft over the Thames at 8.9mph and is capable of carrying up to 2,500 people per hour.

I don’t mean to be cynical, but does anyone else feel we might be operating ever so slightly above our national competence levels with this? Last night, not 15 miles away, a dangerous criminal escaped from Pentonville prison using a ‘makeshift rope’.

It makes me nervous, that’s all. I’ve seen Moonraker.

Rebekah Brooks: Meet Jim ‘Bastard’ Fenner

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Original Image: Dan Kitwood/Getty Images. Photoshopping: Moi.

As a journalist, Rebekah Brooks first impulse on discovering she is to face phone hacking charges will be to repair to HMV to stock up on Bad Girls DVDs. Background research and all that.

FYI Beks, the first and second series were utterly hilarious. Don’t bother with anything after. It kind of went downhill after Nicki Wade escaped.

You’re welcome.

Madonna: Another One Bites The Dust

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Bang Bang… my idol shot me down. Image: AP Photo / Sean Dempsey.

Dear Madonna,

It is my sad duty to inform you that, after careful consideration, your role as my idol has become redundant.

I realise this may come as a shock to you given the length of your tenure in my life (or even more likely, you won’t give a crap because financially, it’s still a winner) , but in truth, your position has been has been under threat for some time.

Indeed, I began to suspect you weren’t the female influence I was hoping for when I got old enough to realise that getting my boobs out and pretending to be sexually available for every moment of my waking life did not encourage people to take me seriously.

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Joe Paterno: Gone But Not Forgotten

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar.

Ten days after the FBI reported that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had concealed allegations of child abuse during his tenure, his statue has been removed from outside Beaver Stadium.

All that remains is four ghostly images of wounded, unnamed footballers. Spooky, that.

Aurora, Colorado: Pathology Of A Tragedy

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image: REUTERS/Fred Prouser.

Having spent the last 200,000 years trying to eliminate danger and fear from our lives, human beings recently decided that an existence without the chemical highs and lows experienced during peril was boring.

Being smart, we harnessed technology to provoke extremes of emotion within safe environments. We call it entertainment, and is essentially a stimulant to sensation without consequences.

It’s great, and we are very clever.

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50 Shades Of Grey: But Seriously…

Posted on by Kelly Welles

Image via tumblr.

Haven’t read it, don’t intend to.

But. I am curious as to how, in an apparently sexually liberated culture, a titillating tome about mild bondage can have become a literary phenomenon.

Isn’t anyone having the kind of sex they want to be having? At all?